I think about it more and more. It is no longer simply a thought that comes and goes. It is a desire that continues to grow within me.
I want to give myself to Christ.
I want to leave behind the things that keep me away from Him and offer Him my life. I want to discover the life of prayer, silence, obedience, and dedication. I want to learn not to live only for myself, but for Him.
Sometimes I am afraid.
I wonder if I will be able to do it. If I will endure. If I am truly ready to leave behind the life I know and take such a great step.
And yet, there is something within me stronger than fear.
The desire to belong to Christ.
I do not want to become a monk because I want to escape from the world. I want to become a monk because I want to draw closer to Christ. To seek Him with all my heart. To offer Him not only a part of my life, but my whole life.
I know that monastic life is not an easy path. It is not a life without difficulties. It is a path of the Cross, struggle, patience, and daily repentance.
But if, along this path, I can encounter Christ and draw closer to Him, then it is worth walking.
I do not know what I will encounter tomorrow.
I do not know whether I am strong enough.
But I do know that I do not want to allow this desire to fade within me because of fear.
I want to pray.
I want to ask Christ:
“Lord, is this the path You have prepared for me?”
And if it is, I want to have the courage to say:
“Yes, Lord. Take my life and make it Yours.”
I do not ask to know the whole journey from the beginning.
It is enough for me to take the first step.
To draw near.
To learn.
To pray.
To strive.
To trust.
And then, let Him lead me.
My Christ, if You are calling me to Yourself, do not let me be afraid. Give me a pure heart, humility, and strength, so that I may offer my life to You.
I want to become a monk, not because I want to leave something behind, but because I want to gain You.