Why am I still afraid to make the decision?
So many times I have felt this calling within me. So many times my heart has turned toward the monastery, toward prayer, toward silence, toward Christ. And yet, I continue to say: “Later… I am not ready yet.”
But when will I be ready?
If I wait for all my fears to disappear, perhaps I will never leave. If I wait until I become perfect, I will never begin. Christ does not expect me to know everything. He only waits for me to trust Him.
Perhaps it is not the monastery that I am afraid of. Perhaps I am afraid to leave behind the life I know. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid that I might lose something.
And yet, what is worth more than gaining Christ?
I do not want the years to pass and one day look back and wonder: “What if I had dared?”
I want to be able to say:
“Lord, I did not know what I would encounter. I was not strong. But I trusted You, and I came.”
I do not know whether I am worthy. I do not know whether I will endure. But I do know that, if Christ is calling me, I do not want to close the door of my heart.
I want to take the first step.
And then let Him take care of the rest.
My Christ, if this is the path You have prepared for me, give me the courage to walk it.
